Our small group class this past weekend wrestled with the question: Are love and forgiveness inextricably intertwined? Immediately, I began to think of the situations and people I thought I had forgiven. The hurts from people I am close to are like old, faded photos, memories emerge without crisp focus. Not only did I forgive, I forgot. And love remains.

Then there is a category of people, I thought I forgave and I don’t really want much contact with them. I wish them well, away from me. My forgiveness cheat sheet suggests that yes, love was involved. Loving yourself enough to recognize people and situations requiring boundaries. 

However a nagging thought hovers, have I really forgiven someone if I still feel that bit of tightness in my throat or the knot in my stomach? Maybe forgiveness has stages like grief? The feeling of my throat clenching is the Second Stage where I consciously forgave them but my body  holds on.

Love is the companion of forgiveness, sometimes silent. Silent only because anger, disappointment,and frustration are louder when the wound is still fresh. Holding a grudge doesn’t feel good. Immediately, I find myself looking for a toehold in forgiveness. Understanding is my go-to. If I can begin to think about a situation from the standpoint of the other then I move toward understanding. Understanding does not mean acceptance. In fact, understanding can start with simply allowing for another person’s perspective. I am renaming my first step. Acknowledgement is a more accurate description. 

The very necessity to reach toward forgiveness implies that a sense of loss is present in my working equation. Loss for what we had hoped for, loss for who we thought the other was, loss for how we wanted things to be. In loss there is grief, and in grief there is love. Forgiveness reveals itself to be the way forward, one step at a time. 

Unlike a simple mathematical equation, or a more complicated theorem derived through proofs, my life and my experiences offer a multitude of variables. Too many variables to offer a universal solution. Love remains the constant.