Change is difficult. There have been moments in my life when I am so uncomfortable, unhappy, you name it, and yet, I resist the changes I know I need to make. As a business coach, I commonly shared with clients that the fear of success is far more prevalent than the fear of failure. I still believe this to be true. Failure is something we have all experienced. We are familiar with failure. Success is scary because it has the capacity to launch us into the unknown. Even if I was to say, I would define success in this season as leading multiple workshops each month, selling a bunch of Spaghetti on the Wall journals, and hosting retreats in beautiful locations, my imagination of what my life would look like if all these wishes came true is limited. There are more unknown than certainties.

Change is even harder when we consider how it will affect our relationships with the people around us, our friends, families, and loved ones. This may be the bigger impediment to change than our personal fears of doing something new and different. A low stakes example is the time when I started going to the gym first thing in the morning. I would get up in the dark, trying to be as quiet as possible. By the time I returned home, my husband was working at his desk, the coffee was tepid, and most importantly, I missed the morning routine of chatting with my husband before we both got busy with our days. No one was complaining. We are both in support of healthy habits. Ultimately, I went back to exercising in the afternoon and enjoying my morning coffee with Phil.

Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix was one of the many self-help titles on my mom’s bookshelf. It was so popular in the 1990’s Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt held numerous retreats for couples intent on improving their relationships. By the time my second husband and I found ourselves in need of something to improve our deteriorating marriage, a local couple who practiced together offered a Getting the Love You Want retreat. The weekend was intense. We were learning a new way of communicating with each other. As the weekend came to a close, one woman commented that she felt confident in continuing with the new communication style but that she was sure her husband wouldn’t change. The response from the facilitators was that being in a relationship is like dancing with someone. If one partner changes the steps that changes the dance.

Change is scary. Not only are we opening ourselves up to new experiences, we begin to show up differently for the people in our lives. We are changing well-known steps in the dance we do with others. Will you still love me? Am I still lovable?  These questions fuel our trepidation.