Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting-Cormac McCarthy
Lately, I have been on a multitude of podcasts talking about my journal Spaghetti on the Wall and its origin story. If you are interested in the podcasts, you can find them here: https://kristanswan.com/podcasts/.
A simple and powerful tool for awareness.
SOTW was inspired from my time as a business coach. My clients were like me, founders and owners of an independent business for whom the work/life distinction was not as cut and dried as it felt like it was for people who worked at large companies or who were employees. I observed my clients struggling despite having identified their goals and complied with one of my foundational tenets-developing a personal definition of success. Their actions were not supporting their desired outcomes.
Witnessing people I cared about repeating patterns of behavior and making decisions out of tired habits inspired SOTW. My intention was clear: Spaghetti on the Wall, an elegant journal to organize the messy ideas of life, would be the way towards developing a habit of discernment. A simple daily practice to get curious about ourselves and then begin to gain awareness. Change would be the outcome of this newfound clarity.
The creation of SOTW and its well-intentioned role in helping my clients was happening in concert with my own messy life. My second marriage had not been the answer I thought it would be. As a child of divorce, I had been determined to get married, grow a family, and live happily ever after. I even had the white-picket fence and a dog when I realized my first marriage was untenable.
The dissolution of my first marriage spared no one. We were all casualties in this process of dismantling 12 years together and finding a new way forward. I did what I always did, I ignored my grief and sadness and forged ahead. I was terrified of becoming consumed with the pain. My greatest fear was that if I allowed myself to feel it all, I would somehow never recover. Fast forward, I chose to get married a second time, and it did not last.
Awareness of my own patterns, curiosity about who I was, and my decision making processes had never been something I took the time to examine. How could I? I was too busy surviving or so I thought.
SOTW truly was for me, and it worked. Awareness came, not all at once. From that awareness, I began to make choices that were more in alignment with who I knew myself to be and how I wanted to show up in the world. It was incremental. I got to know myself, I began to trust myself, and do less harm to myself and others.
SOTW continues to be a daily practice for me, except for the days that are just too darn full. I am still learning by doing, sometimes that means I trip and fall, literally and figuratively. And I am proud of my progress. I now know what my wishes are and trust that I can get there, one step at a time.