The more I journal, the more I reflect on my own stories, and the more I am in conversation with others sharing their stories, forgiveness becomes a central character. You may ask how an action, a feeling, becomes its own character. A terrific example of a writer who made a character from an unlikely source is Cancer, the Emperor of all Maladies by Siddhartha Mukherjee. The author, while telling the history of cancer and related research, as well as treatments, crafts a mesmerizing tale of which cancer is the protagonist.* 

Amer Fort, Jaipur India, a detail of an outdoor pavilion

Turns out that forgiveness is a tricky character. Just like humans, forgiveness is stubborn, capricious, selfish, and sneaky. Journaling after my feelings are hurt then reflecting on the situation, I will lean into imagining myself as the perpetrator of my injury. The shift in viewpoint helps me to understand the other person. Initially, my naive assumption was that my understanding would easily translate into forgiveness. Not so fast, Kristan. 

My aspiration is to be on good terms with forgiveness. Dare I say, best friends? I want to be seen as that person who knows forgiveness. Let me set the scene: I am in the midst of a large party when I am introduced to Forgiveness. We pause then both laugh with a gleam in our eyes. In the same breath, we exclaim “Oh yes, we go way back!” and hug. A real hug, not air kissing.

The reality of my relationship with Forgiveness is one that is slightly superficial and cordial. We have met several times and know things about each other. We could easily sit at the same table without the conversation lagging. However, we would never show up on the doorstep uninvited. I hang out with Forgiveness when we make a plan, when it is convenient. 

As with any new friendship that you wish to evolve into something deeper, less scheduled and more spontaneous time is required. You must have patience and curiosity. Patience with yourself to show up less neat and more honest.  Curiosity to ask questions, the kinds of questions for which you don’t already have the answer in your head. Perhaps even welcome some advice, as I did once Forgiveness and I began to spend more time together.

The advice…You have to start with forgiving yourself. 

*Also adapted to the screen as a Ken Burns produced docu-series. https://kenburns.com/films/emperor-maladies/