The Week 2 Harvest Prompt for the Autumn Salon Series:

Reflect and write on learning something new, approaching something you have done before in a new way, and/or a time when you acted spontaneously.

There may be a way in which both spontaneity and trying something new are a related tale.

I opted to lean into the idea of approaching a situation in a new way or what I thought in the moment was a new way. I didn’t end up sharing in the group. Most everyone wrote about being spontaneous, and I felt like my reflection was a little too dark. 

Here it goes:

Growing up, I observed both my mom and her mom, my grandmother making choices out of fear. I watched as they would agree to doing things they didn’t really want to do- out of fear. I knew they avoided conversations- out of fear. I saw them overextend themselves to the point of exhaustion or financial insecurity- out of fear. 

About a decade ago, I began to challenge myself to do new things, specifically things that felt scary. In my mind, I was rebelling against the legacy of my mom and my grandmother. I was not going to be ruled by fear. 

My new, brave self agreed to travel to Liberia and present to over 300 teachers and school administrators. I went zip lining in the jungle off of Puerto Vallarta. I took the kids on a safari, part of which was a walking safari where we camped in the middle of nowhere. I gave the opening talk at a convention for arborists  in Iowa, in the winter. I said yes to all sorts of things. Saying yes, meant I was forging a new path away from the past.

The truth was that I was running, as fast as I could from the difficult situations in my life. It was not a coincidence that my misguided campaign against fear began at that time. I was terrified to admit my second marriage was not working. I was still afraid that my children’s father, my first husband, thought I was a bad person. I was anxious around my kids, a mix of guilt and grief never fully discussed. 

When I could no longer run or hide from the difficult choices I had to make, I had to try something new. I had to be open to facing my fears. I could choose a different path and in part that meant, allowing myself to feel. I may have been different from my mother and grandmother in my drug of choice, work and adrenaline fueled escapades. However, I had still been numbing myself. Allowing myself, requiring myself to feel both the ‘good and bad’ is a practice. And I continue to be surprised by what is revealed in welcoming the fear.